20. Your Moment is Now. Adieu!

You are always in control. Your tunnel vision grants you the ability to achieve everything you have ever desired and dreamed of. Your desired universe is precisely mapped out, by you. It’s your masterpiece, and you take so much pride in being the mastermind of your own masterpiece. You are always in charge of your senses. Always in control. Always so accurately measuring all the steps needed to getting it right the first time.

You want to be loved and cherished, because you have given so much of yourself. Your kind and compassionate character is loved by many whom love you and care for you.

You are a mother. Have five children. Your house is an old Spanish style chalet in the heart of some fuckin’ fancy town, the likes of me can hardly pronounce, where you have lived all your years, and lived decoration after decoration to blab about to your neighbors.

Your most precious possessions are your pictures, and all the reminders you have kept of the people you have so loved. Memories don’t live on the walls you say, and you have held on to those memories. Many years, so many things, people, emotions, senses, and many minutes and hours of your being is part of the memories you carry with you, have carried with you all these years. 

You are a strong believer of science, and at times Jesus, and love the world you are in. You are here to protect it at all costs. The desire map you have drawn for your life entails every step. You have taken every step very clearly, and very precisely. There is no margin of errors. The path you have chosen to take has led you to all you have.

You are married to your man whom is so “depressed”, he can hardly fuck, while draining his days in drinking his misery and making up for the lack of his sexual desire by taking part in a daily ritual of giving you a glance every once in a while, kissing you on your forehead and pretending that nothing has changed, and that he still loves the hell out of you, desires you, wants you only, all the while can’t stand the thought of your skinny naked flabby ass, and vomits at the thought of touching or getting close to you. And whom feels responsible for making you feel a certain way. But all you can think of is how much of a wasted time you have spent, giving him chance after chance, and after he finally came clean about wanting to fuck 26 year olds, you finally admitted that you were attracted to guys half your age, and have already fucked some!

And today is your day! You have decided to swallow it all up and let go of it all. You have contemplated your every move, your every breath, and your every direction!

You have seen other people do it so why can’t you? Why not you be just another data, number or a name on an urn plaque? Why can’t you just do whatever else all the other “forsaken” ones have done? You think about it all again, go through it step by step, all the steps and all the moments leading up to it: to the moment you take your last breath.

It’s taken you twelve years. Every single day you have thought about ending it all. Letting it all go and just let the rest of the world deal with “it” for a change! All that misery and “unexplained feelings”, that not even the 100-dollar-per-hour shrink could “figure out”!

And here you are at the perfect moment: the moment you have been waiting for, all that tension, all that feeling of despondency, pain and anger can be let go of. You are doing this for you. Nothing is and nothing ever was and you are at “peace” with it, everything about it, even the moment your good-for-nothing-of-a-husband, finds your half-stiff body and calls for “help”.

This is your joy, your moment, your decision, and you just fly, you just let go, and you just say goodbye! What would Jesus do? Call the National Hotline? What would society want you to do?

You are fucked no matter what you decide!