10. Comfortably Numb-ber 2

“The system asks us to be “free” and “express” ourselves. To speak out and be “seen”, and standup and “feel safe”. Our bodies are not ours, but belong to them. We have been dominated and terrified to get judged.”

This is not to persuade you of anything. This is not to convince you whether or not I am right, or justified to put a pin in your “happy” bubble. Nor is it to change your mind or outlook on anything. Fuck knows I am clueless, and just share and that’s that. You don’t have to like what you are reading. I don’t have to make sense, and care if you can make sense of what I am writing right now. I don’t have to respect you and your ideas and frankly don’t want to. Ideas, ideologies, theories are all manipulation of words and tuning into our gullibility. I am paying WordPress annually for this “space” to write a shit load in it and then can delete the whole blog if I “want” to. I am renting this “space”, to vomit my recycled words in it. On it. The words don’t have to make sense. In fact they won’t, by the time you are finished with this. You can read or not read I really could care less. This is not for “you”. Not “for” anything or any reason. Not here to “achieve” some fucking clarity and an a-ha moment.

We are w.o.m.a.n. We are all a nation of hashtags, positivity, and can-do-attitude. We are feminists. We are women. We are “magic”. We “are”. We think of ourselves of having super powers, and are proud of our many different labels and categories. Mothers, single mothers, veterans, veterinarians, vegetarians, animal rights activists, Yogini, mothers who launch, women who do, and girls who grow up thinking they can “become”. We are girls of today, princesses and fairytale lovers of yesterday and women of tomorrow. Not scared. Strong women are we, fighters and lovers and mothers.

Being a woman is not. Women we are not. We are not a thing. Things don’t define us. We are not conquering ladies of the 21st century nor are we mother bears protecting our cubs. We don’t need a #metoo movement nor a “partner” to carry us “through” shit.

“We” don’t need a voice, we can speak for ourselves, we are this and that. And we are all part of the stratagem of civilization, part of its agenda, its theatre of tragedy. It needs us, the forced rules and the forced way of “life” has us in it. We are in it, part of it. We are tools being used every day to protect “progress”, and to keep the blood in the veins of this corpse, to feed it and to keep it alive. In our name, they have gone to wars, killed and been killed. In our name, for us “women”, and for our “rights”, many have tortured, been tortured and died. Our names have been uttered to usher up new days, new laws, new world, new days. We have killed in the name of love, conquered and have been conquered. We have been jailed in the name of freedom, democracy, prostitution, and crimes of the heart, as they call it.

No we are not. Women we are not. Just the perfect scapegoats, devil’s advocates, and snakes charmers. We have charmed kings and queens, secretly acquired lovers, and have run kingdoms from our bedrooms. We bear children as part of the civilization’s plan to domesticate. They make us feel important, they tell us we have “rights”, Because We are to have “vested interest” in theoretical assumptions, implications and games. We are out of practice in the art of verbal domination and our instincts lead us because we are “woman”. We “feel”, we “understand”. We take care of the “basics” and stand in the face of odds. We overcome our differences and united we stand. All at the manipulative hands of the master with a plan laid out to lure us in. Hook, line and sinker. We are all in, all in, from the basics, to our jobs to our homes, to the different hats we put on, to the heroes we want to be and are not. Women’s art of surviving the “survival processes”, we have it all figured out, our jobs, our lives, our bodies and minds, to the feeding, clothing and sheltering of our children, and meeting their needs on a day to day basis. We love intensely, and expect “nothing” in return and we feel “empowered”, and wait for the next shoe to drop. This is the only kind of “love” we have come to known. To “empathize”, and stand by our love. We are woman, and love without any “strings attached”.

They ask us, to “learn to see our so-called defects as advantages”, be “gentle and make room for every emotion”, as a problem-to-problem, person-to-person approach to Living rooted in the individual situation. They tell us “We must learn to value other than the traditional ways of ‘knowing’ and instead smarten our senses and quicken our responses to the situations in which we find ourselves.”

The system asks us to be “free” and “express” ourselves. To speak out and be “seen”, and standup and “feel safe”. Our bodies are not ours, but belong to them. We have been dominated and terrified to get judged. They shove the “I am who I am” mentality in our heads, but no matter what we are scared. We hate m.e.n at the same time we “want” them to give us things, to make us feel a certain way, to take care of us. At work they give us pamphlets to read and talk about “sexual harassment”, another term among the terms so carefully designed by the masters to own and manipulate us. We brush off comments like “wear that lipstick and do your magic” like a light snow in July, feathered on our shoulders. We smile and do our jobs. We simply don’t care because we know. We know it. we got it. We are animals. We are woman. We suck the dicks of “our” men like there is no tomorrow. We sexpost pictures on Instagram and hope for the most likes. We workout and go on diets to look and “feel” good. To “feel” desired. We are jealous of anyone who get the attention of our m.a.n, lover, partner, spouse. We are open to multiple lovers, but as long as “they make us feel safe, loved, wanted, sexy”. We seduce men when it’s to our advantage. We use and discard our lovers and spouses for the next best things, means to an end. The end and the means is us. Our self preserve agendas. We are the lionesses, hunters and lovers…..

When beaten into submission, we suffer in silence, and we still trust the system, that it will save us, free us, we become things to be worthy of the things given to us by the corpse of civilization. We feel inadequate, under appreciated, underpaid, undermined, and we still have our Feminism flags up as a mean to finding “new terms” to “deal” with “traditional situations,” not traditional terms to deal with.

This is not a case for or against feminism. It’s not to argue the validity of the “cause”. This is really nothing. Just here to shatter the moment that is not now. The moment that passed and is not the future. Feminism has no future because we are not. We are trained, we are coerced to see only a dominating winner and a dominated loser. We have given our being an identity, a woman is an identifier to us all, a point of pride, as if the letters w.o.m.a.n make us into a super power. We refuse to see things for what they are. They say don’t talk. We are looking at the past with the winds of progress piercing our wings on by one. What is freedom when we are trapped? What is liberty when when our wings are clipped? What is a woman? Who is a woman? Is it in the drawings on the caves? Is it wild, or sexual? Is it orgasmic, or of another dimension? Are these things, these nouns, words, sounds, adjectives what “define” a woman? Is our “identity” what makes “us” a woman? Is it our fathers and mothers and dead children? The memories and the pictures on the wall? What is a woman? And why are we so stubbornly proud to be “one”? Without what “defines” us what are we? I am not a woman. “I” simply am not.